Overcoming the need for approval
How would you be different if you stopped caring what others thought about you?
It’s a question I’ve asked myself many times.
The truth is, I think I would be a lot different! And that thought alone, brings up feelings of shame. Can you relate?
I’ve spent a lot of my life and energy caring what others thought about me. I can remember as a kid, wanting to fit in so badly at school, that I would often edit the way I talked, dressed and acted, to try and fit in with the “cool kids.” It seemed that more often than not, if I tried to express myself authentically I would get picked on, so I made a decision early on to abandon my authentic self in favor of fitting in.
I have a distinct memory of a time back in junior high, where I begged my mom to buy me a black, shiny, pleather bomber jacket that caught my eye when we were back-to-school shopping. She questioned how much I would wear it, but I promised her that I would wear it “ALL THE TIME!'' and so, she bought it for me. I couldn’t wait to wear it to school–I thought it was so unique and fashionable! The first time I wore it, a group of the popular boys on the playground at lunch came up to me, forming a circle around me and said, “Can we try on your jacket?” I had never had the attention of any of those boys before, so of course I obliged. One of them put it on and they immediately started cackling. Another one of them proclaimed, “You look like Michael Jackson!” and then the one wearing my jacket started break-dancing, all of them laughing hysterically. I was mortified. I internalized their teasing as a direct attack on my self-worth and personal style! I felt my face getting hot and flushed as I took back the jacket without saying a word, quickly stuffing it into my backpack, and ran off to the bathroom to cry. I never wore it again.
That is just one example, where I placed others' perceived approval of me above my own approval of myself. Bypassing my own thoughts and feelings, and hiding parts of myself. This bled into many other areas of my life. I had the false perception that my life would be easier if I followed to the masses and stayed on the “path” that we’ve been conditioned by society to follow. Go to college, get a good job, get married, have kids, and settle down by age 30 etc..
What I’ve noticed over the years is that initially it might feel “easier” to go with the flow, but it comes at a cost. The longer you hide yourself from yourself, the more likely you are to suffer and feel discontentment in your life. You can run from it for a long time, but it will eventually catch up with you.
This can show up in different ways, and for me it showed up in my body in physical ways anytime I was trying to follow a path not in alignment with my highest self. My body would kick up noticeable symptoms, almost as if it was screaming at me to wake up, pay attention and change course. Depression, anxiety, G.I. distress, fatigue, brain fog, joint pain, acne...the list goes on. Instead of questioning why I might be experiencing such symptoms, I would instead try to numb the pain and discomfort with prescription medications, drugs, alcohol, food, and other addictions. It was a vicious cycle which led me on a bumpy, wild ride for most of my teens, twenties and thirties.
Once I started paying attention to the body’s wise signals instead of trying to mask them, everything began to change. I began digging into the emotional roots that were underneath all of the physical symptoms. I started facing my shadows and learned to begin accepting all the different parts of myself, even the parts I felt shame over, with compassion. I was finally able to see where I was valuing others' opinions over my own, and began carving a new path–one that is more aligned with my true desires and authentic self. Realizing that my different ways of operating and seeing the world are what make me unique, and are actually a gift!
If you’re struggling and feeling stuck with finding peace and purpose in your own life, please know that you’re not alone. I still struggle with this from time to time, but I hope that by sharing some of my experiences, I can inspire you to start looking within yourself and ponder some of the hard questions. The magic we all hold inside of us, is the ability to design our life in a way the way that makes sense to us, even if it doesn’t make sense to others. It’s time we free ourselves from the heavy burden of worrying about pleasing others, and please ourselves first.
So, let me ask you again. How would you be different if you stopped caring what others thought about you?
Drop me a comment and let me know, I would love to know!
And if you’re interested in expanding your self-awareness and digging deeper into the areas where you’re feeling blocked, be sure to check out my Life Restyling package—a three-month container for deep, transformational 1:1 coaching designed to help you restyle your life from within.
